Summertime

Sunday, August 22, 2004

my productivity is going down down downn..
what's up with that?

its was like only a few years ago when i could do everything and do it well. what's up with my priorities? what's up with my mental? how can i possibly buckle under nothing?

it was last year when i walked into the studio. they took a look at me and fell silent. i dumped my bag down and walked out. i know i should try all i can to keep this from happening again. i know i should.. but can i?

what's up with me..

Thursday, August 19, 2004

22:29

L-inverse
makes sense?

will i ever see him again? i highly doubt so. not anytime soon at least. despite what niggy says. -pause- i think it's better like this. may turn ineffective in large dosages. get it?
i dont.

anw, its everyone's birthday today. surprisingly i feel more excited than i actually did on mine. strange. i guess the novelty of my birthday has started to wear off after eighteen years. just made chocolates for my dad. and yes, happy birthday to daniel and didi!

its an angel day tmr.
but then that's yesterday.

mediterranean cuisine tmr. didnt know he enjoyed it. always thought it was italian and big steaks. hmm..

let's round up with L-inverse.

specially for jessica

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

00:20

he knows so much. i wonder if he knows about me too.
-crosses fingers-

her hair is longer and a different colour
i think she still looked better then
she makes me think of huimin.
will huimin still remb?

i think only waichee knows what i'm refering to. am i making sense? -shrug- oh well..

00:14

i dont care what pple will say. i'm running after you. - on my playlist

yesterday.
bing chen said:
she has nice calves.
diamonds.
she's fast.
her name
her school
her bus

i said:
she's pretty.
she has a nice smile
and cute dimples.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

22:01

i know it kinda sucked but i've gotten over myself already. thanks niggy for listening to me not make sense and for trying to make sense too. :)

they were right. i really did want to do it even if i didnt realised. sorta planned to turn it down when i heard. but after she asked, it just sounded so great. actually it didnt.. i dont know why i want to do it too. i just did. the next morning while i walked the short stretch besides the field, i found its tune creeping to my lips and my arms naturally moving along. i felt so excited i couldnt help from smiling.

throughout the morning, i must have envisioned us weaving through the tables again, getting ready and eating alot. i must have been looking forward to the fun. oh well..

now that everything has been set, i shant defeat the purpose of it all. may the books fill my head and my head explode. too bad i just wasted today away. i thought i really had smth going. another burst bubble.

but this is smth for the ~~fat~~ fatter people. so why shouldnt i do it while i can? i know i certainly wont be up there doing serious stuff, so why not? and it wont be as good. she's too thin. arghhh.. i think too much. i guess she'll enjoy it too. and that's all that matters.

arh-mee-wah-wah

why this is right:
1) there'll always be other times
2) it doenst make a difference.
3) its not worth pestering my parents over.
4) i've done it before and fulfilled my 'wish'
5) i really should settle down
6) i was planning to settle down just minutes before adelene told me
7) adelene and vera arent doing it
8) if i'm going to have to study all these, i might as well use it for both examinations
9) even though my prelims arent impt, doesnt mean i should give anything but my best.

but i want to just dance and enjoy myself without having to think about anything.. not the steps, the look, the audience.. not anything. i havent done so in a long time.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

08:15

ipsp rawks.
it can be dangerous too.
so.. always listen to other pple instead of your body.

08:00

i wonder why i'm the way i am now.. i guess its because the niche is now empty and i grew naturally to fill it.

being yourself? i guess its listening to the subtle prompts your personality makes and actively allowing yourself to do as it directs. maybe all the syo and classical music, the ballet classes and piano, the musicals and the plays have quietly guided me to grow into me. this person who listens to some jazz that maybe only xiaoxuan knows. no one else have heard of songs like these, even though i think they're the more 'popular' tunes. it involves making decisions too.. just decisions that you're naturally more inclined towards. its different from being someone you're not (duh~). that requires making decisions to who you want to be. there was a time when we all wanted to be butchish. there was a time when i listened to linkin park and knew pop culture. and i enjoyed it too.. so who say's it sucks not being yourself. i mean.. if you choose, you can make being yourself unnatural self natural. right? its just that slight difference that separates the two. just dont wake up one day and allow yourself to realise that you'd be happier in the other way that requires less effort. for people who try harder, it will never happen. i think its all in the nurturation.

as it is said, train up a child in the way he should go..